It started of with him being too tired to do anything. Then, he got athletes foot. Then, something's wrong with his kidney. The doctor's trying real hard to make him better to help him avoid dialysis. He's emotionally unstable. Plus, Maktok doesn't seem to want to accept the fact that Tokwan is worse off than her. It's a difficult situation having to deal with 2 infirmed adults under the same roof who can't seem to accept the present condition. The emotional part of it all is the most difficult to get over with. It's lingering and hovering over one's head.
So we went back to Alor Setar to visit both of them. By this time Tokwan was already hospitalised. Luckily Nailah was there to care for him during the night. She's a good caretaker too.
My friend, Noor Azni, came to visit too. Thank you! I didn't inform many people because I really didn't know how to explain or handle the situation. But she sent me a message asking the room number and I had to oblige. Other close friends were also wondering about me because I was unusually quiet. I was just emotionally unstable too and didn't join them most of the time.
Maktok is trying to put on a brave and happy face. But I know she missed Tokwan very much.
Tokwan's eldest brother, Tok Ngah (sitting) came to visit him too. Tok Ngah was also not too well nowadays. Tokwan was his usual self with many people around. He tried to chit chat although he seemed too tired to do so.
He came with Azlizan, my cousin. Yup, they don't look like me. Tokwan's side of the family hailed from Pattani 6 or 7 generations ago - decendants of one of Pattani's Ruler's son who ran away from the palace to save himself from something or someone. He married 3 women in different times and stayed in Bagan, Penang. He also discarded the title 'Syed' from his name to hide his identity. However, some of Tokwan's cousins still continue to use the title until today. Too bad, the person in charge of finding the family tree (Tokwan's second cousin) died last year.
We stayed there for a few hours. Tareeq was with us this time.
Zoey was upset because children under 12 wasn't allowed in. Luckily I had Tareeq to entertain her. She was really looking forward to see Tokwan.
That night Tokwan called me up saying he's hungry. Yup, he didn't eat that evening because he didn't have the appetite. He requested for a burger. Papa and I sent him the burger.
I suddenly realized that Tokwan is old. I guess everything is too much for him nowadays and he just couldn't cope with everything anymore. He needs to learn to let go. Let go of everything that's been bothering him. Everything that's always on his mind. He needs to let things take their own course and not to worry too much about the outcome. He has to let his children fly on their own and not fuss about it. But alas, a father is always a father. He has a lot on his mind. He still feels that everything is his responsibility.
The next day, before leaving, we visited Tokwan again. This time Papa managed to slip Zoey in without the guard noticing and she was very happy to see Tokwan.
Before this, Tokwan always tried to stay strong for Maktok's sake. But now that he's unwell, he still can't accept the fact that he can no longer do most things. Much like Tokwan, Maktok is also in a state of denial. She too can't accept that Tokwan is no longer able to move around like before and she has to do a lot of things by herself, which is also hard for her. Both of them need to let go. Both of them need to let other people take charge and be responsible for them.
I've been in an emotional turmoil myself for weeks now too. It's not easy having to hear Tokwan's voice everyday and hear him saying he's tired, he has no appetite, he's in pain, he can't sleep at night and so many other things we normally take for granted. Luckily I have Papa to turn to, who's always there for me.
I also need to learn to let go of Tareeq. He's a young adult now. I need to stop fussing over him and looking after his needs all the time. I don't want to end up like Tokwan and Maktok who can't seem to let go of their children even though we're in our 40s and 50s. It's difficult if you keep clinging to the past and always trying to always care for people who have other responsibilities now.
I'm stopping now before I start blabbering about other things.
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